The North vs. The South

My friend Cecil One Foot sent this to me:


The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.

The North has green salads; the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters; the South has crayfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South, if you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don' t try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don' t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store ... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don' t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Yankee's vocabulary is the adjective big ol', truck or big ol' boy. Most Yankees begin their Southern influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin," is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn' t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call ' em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.

Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

Tickling Gloves

I wanted my first post in more than a year to be more significant than it's going to be. Maybe I will ease back into this.

Anyway, this is just an observation, based on my stats: I could make a fortune selling gloves to people who have tickling fetishes. I had no idea it's so widespread.

According to Dictionary.com, the verb "tickle" is defined as: "to touch or stroke lightly with the fingers, a feather, etc., so as to excite a tingling or itching sensation, to titillate or to poke some sensitive part of the body so as to excite spasmodic laughter. " The term that's being Googled, Binged, searched for in a Dogpile, or sent crawling with 80Legs, is "tickling gloves." Dictionary.com doesn't have a definition for those.

It does have a list of other suggestions, however: There's the SW Tickle, which I thought might be a special southernwriter tickle, but no; turns out it's a Southwestern-based group of tickling fiends. There are also tickle drawings which led me to learn that tickling is an art in Japan. Who knew? There are suggestions for videos, female tickle clits, um, clips--I was curious to know if that meant soft porn videos or pinching devices--belly tickles, tied and tickled, tickle toons, tickling feet, tickled pink, tickled to death, and clips of tickled celebrities, which have nothing to do with picking up an Oscar.
Apparently, everyone is into this. I still remember that when I met my husband's grandfather, he said, "tickleyourasswithafeather?" and at the time, I was sure I had misunderstood him. Turns out when he repeated it, he'd said "particularly nasty weather." Or so I thought.

Anyway.
Back to gloves.
Personally,
if I were going to be tickled by someone wearing gloves,
I think I would prefer those thin, lint-free gloves photographers use.

They have a light, wispy kind of feel to them.

I can picture opera length gloves under certain circumstances--like who's wearing them-- but the heavier the fabric gets, the creepier it becomes. White dress gloves remind me of clowns, and that just gets weirder from there.


Worn by Marines in dress uniform however, might put a different spin on things ....



Leather is too scary for me. That's kind of OJ-ish, or serial killerish. You might be different (and if that's what you like, you are different). Your child in mittens could be very sweet, but by saying that, I put us all in danger of attracting pedophiles here. Go home; this is not that kind of blog.

Wait and see. Someone will steal this idea. Maybe the person whose entrepreneurial fancy it tickles will create gloves with feathers sewn into the fingertips.